Established Marvel : a Monk by Abbreviation

223. HUMAN REFLEXIVITIES (nyc, 1968):

They bring on the very idea of God - it just happens every tribe every bestial coven anywhere people have gathered the idea arises but we just don't anymore realize nor understand this idea this concept this 'what-can-be' and we no longer even understand how at one time the real battle wasn't over this 'God' thing it was over - really - how many and people went to battle over the idea of 'One' God one god alone as if any of that could really matter : it's just a human reflex : the battle to fight the words the ideas the concepts nothing held fast to understand or to be understood it's just like that : all that was only a part of what I'd been saying the night before to a few people around the table and now it was the next morning and there was only one left and her I did remember but all things were different now ALL : what she said was that she didn't like my randomness (and I could tell oh yeah that) my crazy randomness - to her who was a sister of system this represented nothing - so much as poor class no learning a haphazard talent and a total disregard of everything else and I figured enough to understand what she mean - I'd taken chances all my life and she was by far the prettiest one I'd risked - all for nothing now falling away and I asked "you want to say that once more you want to say what you mean?" asking that as I was leaning on the wall at the corner by the phone and the lamp and near me was the sculpture put in pace for some Cynthia Stone or someone who'd been killed about a year ago in a car-crash upstate and for whose memory now her family had donated a large sum of money and this memorial sculpture in her name and all that graced the lobby now of the Studio School which is where I was then living spending the overnights in a little room towards the ground-level and basement back which let out onto a garden area all very nice an I'd taken a few plywood pieces and fashioned a bed of sorts in the old fireplace and it all worked nicely with a few blankets and some little sense of where I was of course (sleeping somewhat weirdly in the well of an old large fireplace lends odd airs to odder dreams) and in fact it was the very place where just the night before I'd bedded this lass to whom I was now speaking these somewhat harsher and more disconcerting words - "so now you're saying you find that you don't actually like me and that for a few varied reasons having nothing to do with us really - I mean I'm 'random' - well what the fuck is that anyway? Should we then just cash out of this?" I knew she had nothing to say would fumble the reply would somehow just become more miffed and incapable of understanding - I really did like her and really wanted her to stay - "first you fucked me" she said " then you fucked my brain see?" (she talked like that - a rather startling thing to hear but she'd been brought up rash and crude and kept a very up-front fashion of coming at others right straight) "and now I realize I actually don't want any of it you or it - I mean it's all nice enough and you're an OK guy but I just want to let it go - you throw off my equilibrium you keep me off balance and I'm not used to that at all and I'm quite happy with my life just as it was and I don't need you anyway - all those stories and tales they just lead me down passages I don't want to go" and at that moment I thought of using my best Shakespearean voice or some stentorian of Falstaffian tone or whatever it is they call that and reply in some long ponderous fashion but instead all I said was "well, OK then I'll live with that - you know where I am and I'll be sorry for it but go ahead it's OK."