Established Marvel : a Monk by Abbreviation

178. FRIENDS MOSTLY UNSEEN... (1968, nyc):

Sometimes among the people I knew I would sense various attitudes and world-views which I couldn't understand or fathom and mostly they stemmed from upbringing and/or money and the sorts of families and lifestyles they'd enjoyed (which by contrast I could say I never had and most certainly had never 'enjoyed') and privilege being a pre-requisite of taste I was often left holding the bag as it were - seen as the low level representative of some alien life form of the sort which did sometimes come into and inhabit the city - a case of 'new-money vs. old-money' as it were (except that in my case the old money was no-money) - and in most every aspect of taste there were huge differences which in my case of twenty-five cent soup and muffin meals meant that any outward expense of more than that was trouble - while they went about in their own allegorical fashion eating filet mignon every twenty minutes and with perfect silverware and service at that - it was just really too much of a divide to cross and so it stayed that way YET I managed and they welcomed me in as much as they could and whenever they had to - which was nice always when it happened - but I held no grudges and went about my business learning everything and watching as closely as I could too all that went on so as to absorb from it as much as I could -- there was no telling when at any time something might come up into which I was drawn and where my very own personal points of views could be different enough to perhaps show them something new or different by simply expressing a viewpoint or approach which BECAUSE of their upbringings or attitudes they simply not think of - which as sometimes just as much a revelation for them as most often their stuff was for me : an odd converse of events which sometimes amused : and I liked it all well enough and I kept carefully within my own precepts and parameters which mostly meant things like not volunteering any information or at least not letting anything slip until the very last moment or when I actually had to - that was one means of holding it all close to the vest as it were and thereby harboring as many aspirations of seeing what was first expected and what was considered a'propos and normalized from their points of view as it related to whatever situation was at hand - I spent time reading and reading carefully those things I liked and it didn't much matter there they stood on any scale of propriety or taste : I loved what I loved and delved at will through anything I could find which fixed my interest and which related in any way to the art-philosophical-psychological points onto which I was trying to focus and set my course and I spent plenty of time as I said (as much as possible) with the likes of Morton Feldman Philip Guston and all the rest of those around me as I possibly could and those who were not near me - in turn - became as real to me through their words as I could make them and the constant referencing of unseen peoples and forces around me led to some startling and scary events for me too - almost hallucinatory in nature sometimes these things were - but just as much edifying and instructive and (for all those reasons) my Friends were legion and mostly unseen.

177. AS ON THE QUESTION OF EVIL:

In the catalogue of all mankind there'd never been precisely a definition given of what went into the makeup of a 'good' person - all they ever went on about was doing things for others and the rest of that but at heart I always found that most people looked out for themselves first and alone and were just as happy about that anyway and it was only the 'enforcers' of ideas that eventually had as their end money for someone or something - whether it was a cause or a crusade - and to be truthful you never did see someone else's car in another man's driveway - if you follow me - and it's like a point of pride that people keep about possessions and the like - property house belongings and all that rest of that 'stuff' you can't take with you and all of humankind is nothing anyway but things other people have left behind : kids houses cars wives husbands possessions and money too : so it's a weird very weird world of leftovers and fake intentions and I never let those smarmy types like preachers and advisers and guides and the rest get my ear because deep down I felt it was all bad information and propaganda too - the kind of stuff they sell in really bad countries run by little men with bad suits and bad teeth - but no one really runs around aware of this and the fact of the matter is that someone's always taking from you one way or the other so it ends up that all life's a defensive move and it ends up by you against others or by others against you and any good intentions you may ascribe to your actions are essentially only done for self-preservation or a certain form of self-conservation - which doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing : anyway I knew lots of people who lived like that - in a meddlesome nowhere-land of in-between motivations not unlike the people who are nasty assholes all week and then go heavily to church and act all pious on Sundays just to pretend good intention (pretend or not) and any philosophy built upon any of this stuff is going to be by definition very finite and limited and lacking - thus all those self-help groups and affirmation-reinforcement groups one sees - yoga clubs book clubs self-improvement and civic societies and all that : it's a stupidly unreal as a Godzilla movie or something like that ever was yet nonetheless the same endless people just go the same way endlessly on about it over and over and ever and on and I never did think that 'Good' really ever existed - instead all my life I've believed Evil exists and predominates (don't get me wrong if I say I 'believed in Evil' because what it means is that I believed Evil existed) and at bottom all systems and all stipulations and all rational and logical plans and things and operations are manipulative ways for Evil by whatever personification and whichever practitioner to do its work and go about its ways and biddings.

176. ONE LAST REFUGEE:

'I may have never known neither my makings nor my father and mother but in whatever case my story is viewed I remain steadfast in the explaining of it as apparent and just as fairly natural to me - as I experienced it - and barring any calamitous circumstances yet unexperienced of course (and unseen as that may be) I pledge a certain fealty to the idea of 'going forward' : there are mazes and there are marshes and a complete and final morass of traps and temptations still before me but I can pretty much say that the 'best' of whatever I've had has already happened - not much more to expect and not much time to expect it in anyway and be that as IT may be I wish to pose the question (to myself of course) 'if just if the Devil himself came by right now and made an offer of extended time and circumstance for a certain sort of 'sale' of my 'soul' to his woebegone minions of doubt and dread and death itself WHAT THEN WOULD I AGREE TO? and I have no answer but actually I bet I'd say 'yes yes let's do it!' - and a certain curtain would fall around me and I'd be protected from whatever for the duration (however long it would be) of the 'extension' and I'd make damn well good extra time of it I'm sure : no more pool parlors and poker halls let's say for me I'D BE CERTAIN TO BE FOREVER THE LAST REFUGEE on my new and uncertain voyage to Deliverance - whatever it would be.'
.....and though I'm not done yet anyway - I'll have plenty more stories to tell.