Established Marvel : a Monk by Abbreviation

83. ACCEPTANCE AND SILENCE:

And a lot of my own life has just been about acceptance and silence too - just the manner and means of how I was brought up and the idea of not bucking and just instead accepting kindly everything that was and staying quiet about it too and even if you knew anything different or if you knew something was wrong just stay silent about it and keep going on - never let others see you falter or doubt and certainly never make a scene or go out on a limb and all that was something I had to get over and work at un-realizing and by myself I considered it an improvement and a gain to get out of that system of intimidation and control - so at least now I can speak my mind when and how I can or as best I choose to and even though that's true and prevalent I still fight those old demons everyday and it's like some fair Bedinghouse of shame with rooms here and there that I still inhabit even though I've tried checking out hundreds of times already and pretty much then I still live more in my memory than anything else - certainly not in this present-day of horrid horrors and one percent representation - and in that way I'm a person far out of my time and a black stranger out on the edges and fringes of things speaking another tongue donning other clothes and thinking completely different thoughts while living in a complete other reality - and all that's painful too mind you - and it's very difficult for me to get on and stay on but here I am like some sidekick wastrel of Hell just walking quietly past whatever it is you're doing and I can't emphasis enough the pressure needed to make the handle turn - you'd see eventually - and that old cabin in the woods being dreamt about all the time IT IS a real place and actually does exist and a lot of my own personal mysteriousness too I now feel comes from harboring the repressions which were stuffed back inside me during all those years of ACCEPTANCE and SILENCE which both make for a really lousy brew : white picket fences and gates that squeak and eyes in the back of the head so as to see what others are looking at after you pass and all of this is just another form of the PARANOIA which runs the realm anyway and the sooner gotten out of it one is the better off for it all one also is and that probably ends up counting for more than windy whistles on the tarmac or flying off to Algeria or seeing old movies on the back of the cab or whatever - the world is now all the world and no longer broken up or fragmented like it once was : we see the same places everywhere we go and the same fruitless dumb-ass people and parents and kids and concerns and rivalries likes hates dislike loves favoritisms and misunderstandings too and they're ALL like simple lemmings lining up for the jump and ten minutes later or after a while they're all drunk anyway and slowly getting louder and looser and stupider too and this time it's in MY backyard and I have to listen to the crap all through their drunken night : just like that right from the 'git-go' it's already unfair and the tables are already turned against me and it's the same fifty people anyway everywhere you go they're all you ever meet.